He doesn't know those words

God has been challenging me lately to trust and rely completely on him.  It is lesson we have been working at for quite some time now and I still haven't learned it.  Will I ever?  I love Him so much, but it's just so difficult sometimes to feel "good enough." 

Enough.  Am I enough? Am I doing enough?  Did I try hard enough?  Did I care enough?  Did I give enough?

As a perfectionist I am constantly worrying over being the best I can be, my best self, etc.  Last night I talked to mom about my anxiety about being enough.  I said, Momma, I just worry that God is saying to me, "more. that's not good enough." 

She said, "Baby, he doesn't know those words."

So whatever it is in YOUR life, however big or small, significant or insignificant, trivial or travesty, whatever it is that you are beating yourself up about not having done enough, just let it go.  And ground yourself in his love and hope unswervingly.

Because we will never be "enough."  We will never fill ourselves up, no matter how hard we try.  If I make those cookies it will not be enough, if I call a sick friend it will not be enough, if i get a job, get a husband, get a car, get a pool, learn French and paint like Monet, it still won't be enough. 

We won't fill ourselves up because that is a job only God can do. 

4th

Happy Fourth of JULY ! Its been one year since Kurt and I got engaged and now we are married.  What a year.  It has been such a blessing, every minute of it.  I am so lucky and blessed by the loving people we have in our lives and it feels so good to be back home where it all started.  I love y'all!  God has blessed us in so many ways. 

peter panning it

What I have learned about Growing Up THIS week:

1. When one recieves important notices from one's university one should not slam the computer shut, eat oneself a piece of Dove Chocolate, and move to the other room to avoid looking at one's computer.

2.  One should not keep one's cap and gown.  The University will notice and send unkind emails.

3.  Whether or not chicken is cooked COVERED is apparently an important detail, unless one likes his or her chicken  burnt to a crisp.

4.  Less baking soda = flat banana bread (I like to call them banana pancakes)

5.  One should double check which location of the restaurant when planning breakfast dates.  If one is not careful two people can end up at two different locations of the same restaurant.

I won't grow up.

bigness

How great is our God, sing with me now, how great is our God kept playing through my head as Kurt and I traveled down the Northern California coast.  From the redwood forrest to the coast line, everything was big.

Bigness seems to be a theme lately.  I feel like a "big girl" paying bills and ironing my own clothes.  I guess that probably should have happened a while back, especially on the ironing front, but like everything else "growing up" is a gradual process. And I am still processing it.

Kurt, I am finding, is bigger than me.  Older, louder, warmer, requires more food, reaches taller, moves faster, walks further, lifts heavier things, shuts doors with more force, throws down the car keys, and treads not so lightly. I don't want to sound like I am complaining.  If you want me to complain, I would pick another battle. (just kidding, sort of)  But no, bigger is how God made him, and for a reason too. 

But next to the ocean and next to the trees he looked like one man. 

To know that a big God created all of this made my worries look small.  Sometimes when I feel the smallest I feel the most relief. When the world feels on my shoulders I am going to remember these trees. Because, as it turns out, the God who made trees 300 ft tall and 13 feet wide has it under control.  Sight seeing in Northern Cal was not life changing, but life affirming.

And Tonight I made a small dinner, but it was a big step for me. 

Em

my huckelberry friend

Tonight I am feeling very moon-river-y.  I don't know why.  Maybe because college is coming to a close and we are all floating away on our own moon rivers.  Or maybe because I am wearing my turbie twist right now and Audrey wears one too in this particular scene.

As frightening as it is to leave, it is wonderful to have that river to float on.  I think Audrey Hepburn finds comfort in it too.  Whether the river is a new job, a new person, or a newer/wiser outlook on life, we should sing to it like Audrey.  or maybe we could just embrace it.

I do wish for Breakfast at Tiffanys. I think that it is in a box somewhere but when I move to my new apartment and I am in my room with my cat I will watch Breakfast at Tiffanys and pretend that I am Audrey Hepburn. 

"Moon River, wider than a mile
I'm crossing you in style someday
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you're going, I'm going your way
Two drifters, off to see the world,
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end
Waiting 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend
Moon River and me."

Audrey Hepburn, Moon River - Gets Me Everytime

He was right afterall

Sometimes i chuckle at the fact that God gave me to a WONDERFUL family of 8. . .he chose for me what i could not choose for myself.  he chose what i needed, what i did not always enjoy, but what i needed.  because if it weren't for them:

i would want:

everything clean, desirable, managed, labeled, tied with purple bows, compartmentalized, clean, tidy, and perfect.

and because of them--

i get a home that's loud, chaotic, fun, joyful, zesty, loud, happening, loud, shared, make-do, if you spill it clean it up, if its yours you had better hide it, if you break it we will buy a new one, if you leave your shoes out i will toss them in the closet, if you lose your toothbrush there is probably a new one under the sink. . .

my mom is a saint.





well now, i am choosing someone new.  someone named Kurt and he, the ONE human i have signed up for for the rest of my life, happens to be all of those things, except this time i chose it. 

how wonderful is that?


it kind of actually makes me feel as if i have learned something.

because at the end of the day, who wants to feel like you have been in a relationship by yourself, unto yourself, just like yourself.  no, VARIETY is the spice of life.  i once made the mistake of wishing people would be more like me, (YUCK) and as i graduate college (tear) i am so glad that i have stopped living under such a terrible myth as that. 

i am from loving people different than me and praising the Lord that they are, and i am thankful that God gave me to the family he did.  he really does know what he is doing. 

-E

8,000 of my favorite words